Blog Free Springfield » Dan

Anybody know any good jokes?

Dan — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 16:53:41 +0000

M.B. scored a 9 on the last round of trivia

Dan — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 02:59:13 +0000

not 8, as previously reported. Blog Free Springfield regrets the error and hopes he is happy now.

Infinitesimal Activism

Dan — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 18:52:32 +0000

PROFILES IN RAZORING or TRIPLE BLADE A GO-GO*
I’m not much for conspiracy theories. I believe the Holocaust really happened, there was no second shooter in Dallas and Paul McCartney is, in fact, dead. But every once in a while I hear a theory floated that just makes too much sense not to consider. Here is one of those:

When Gillette issues a new razor – excuse me, revolutionary shaving system – in the time leading up to the release they systematically reduce the quality of their previous cutting-edge razor. I don’t know if this is true, but it makes sense, doesn’t it. I mean, how many advances can be made in razor technology? How many blades and lubricating strips can be added to stand whiskers up and then mow them down? Maybe the only way to build a better razor is to retrofit its predecessors to suck in comparison.

This same theory holds that the best razor that will ever pass across your cheek is the free sample that comes in the mail. These, the conspirists contend, are made with the best metal that last the longest so that you’ll be compelled to pay the exorbitant price for another, which even in its early incarnation won’t be quite as well-made as the freebie that lured you in.

So there you have it. Let’s appoint a commission and start digging for the truth until Gillette offers us sufficient hush money.

TRUTH IN HOSTESSING

Saturday afternoon Victor had a swim party at the YMCA and I went to do a bit of freelancing at the Home Expo. After finishing my work I picked him up. Driving home we discovered that we were both feeling a bit peckish and I saw an opportunity for a rare outing for the family’s two senior males. A chance to discuss some long-neglected issues that the woman-folk don’t need to know about.

It being 4:30 and we being in the mood for a plate of Irish nachos, I figured we could sneak into D’Arcy’s before the Saturday night stampede. Bad guess.

Upon entering the Pint we were told by the hostess on duty that a 45-minute wait awaited us. After initially passing on their offer, we confabbed outside and decided we could get away with a late return home because, dammit, we’re men right? Meek men who rarely leave the house on weekends without the other three kids in tow, but that evening we would make a stand.

After re-adding our names to their waiting docket, a different hostess informed us that we were only looking at a 20-minute wait. Good – I thought, relieved – because we’re dead if we get home after 6:00.

We hit the head and then the bar where I ordered up a couple of beers – root for Vic and a nice stout for myself. No sooner did we have pints in hand then the pretty lights on our paging device began twinkling. Final wait time: under ten minutes.

So here’s my point, as if someone were actually asking for one. We, two well-behaved and decent-tipping chaps were about to head home after being told of a 45-minute wait. D’Arcy’s came desperately close to missing out on a $15 ticket plus tip and we almost missed out on a tasty plate of grub.

People, we simply must demand a more accurate accounting of wait time from our hostpersons if we hope to maintain a viable hospitality industry in this country. We’ve reached a critical moment in history; please join the fight.

SICK OF MY SICK
I never like getting sick, but I usually quickly resign myself to it, especially if it’s been going around and I’ve managed to keep it at bay for a while. I mean, who am I to expect never to host a virus?

But the illness that took hold this past weekend made me angry. I’ve been oddly motivated and productive recently, and had many important things to accomplish. But the headache, body aches and sore throat arrested my ability to focus. And the fever-dreaming and hallucinating-like sleep that tortured me throughout Sunday night made me fearful of the next slumber.

So I fought that flu and slayed it with the steely swords from a thousand warriors who . . . and here the metaphor escapes me. And so the blog ends.

*Tell me the movie from which I paraphrased this line and I’ll buy you a car or an ice cream cone.

Trivia Answers: Celebrity Endorsed

Dan — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 16:47:17 +0000

In a depleted field, Mike de la Loyola came in ahead of the pack to claim another crown, answering 10 of 11 questions correctly. Anon Com came finished at 9 with three players tying for third with scores of 8 (MB, Johann and Russ.) Doug game up lame and hobbled to a score of 4.

Your answers.

1 – This shag-topped actress sang a jaunty jingle about chicken and Wessonality. Florence Henderson – Note to Russ: her hairstyle was commonly referred to as a shag. Very popular among Bay City Rollers.

2 – Bob Harris met Charlotte while in Tokyo shooting a Suntory Whiskey commercial in this movie. Lost in Translation – There’s a scene in this movie etched indelibly upon my mind.

3 – His booming voice reminds us that "This, is CNN." Emo Phillips. No, wait. James Earl Jones.

4 – Nothing came between Brook Shields and this brand of designer jeans. Calvin Klein – I think there was a double meaning to this slogan.

5 – This venerated thespian insisted that Paul Masson "will sell no wine, before its time." Orson Welles – I don’t think ol’ Orson was really that picky about how long his wine was aged.

6 – This actor has been the voice of Lowe’s and the Oppenheimer Fund, and also played a guy named Popeye. Gene Hackman – Popeye from the French Connection, not the pop-eyed spinach freak.

7 – Faith Hill, Tyra Banks, Keri Russell, Christie Brinkley and Ellen DeGeneres have all provided a face to this company. Cover Girl – Most of you dudes knew this. Strange.

8 – Bob Hope served as spokesman for Chrysler and this petroleum retailer. Bob "from Texaco" Hope

9 – A recent GoDaddy TV spot features this race car driver getting hit on by a comely female police officer. Danica Patrick – Very racy, indeed.

10 – Wilco’s The Thanks I Get was heard on commercials for this auto manufacturer. Volkswagen – I don’t begrudge any musician for selling out to a commercial since nobody’s paying for music anymore.

Bonus
He appeared on a billboard advising women to "Get a Mammogram, Man!" Bart Simpson – That wily, pro-woman, health conscious scamp.

Cohen/Cops/Chips: things that begin with C

Dan — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 15:22:12 +0000

As a rule, I don’t post the trivia answers until at least ten people play. At this rate, you may never know who said, "Get a mammogram, man!"

No Take Backs
Perhaps the process for electing a lieutenant governor is flawed. Maybe the position itself is irrelevant. And I most definitely don’t want Scott Lee Cohen any where near the governor’s office. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t get screwed.

Party leaders shouldn’t get a do over just because they don’t like the way the people voted. Blagojevich got a second term despite proving in the first that he was a scoundrel.

Cohen revealed the domestic abuse arrest at the beginning of the campaign, but nobody paid attention. He spent a bunch of money on ads and persuaded more people to vote for him than the other candidates did. He won. The people of Illinois lost.

Breaking the Blue Line
The threat of layoffs to procure union concessions during budget negotiations is not a new tactic. I wonder, however, if any consideration is given to the atmosphere that is created when people’s livelihood is put into the hands of their co-workers.

There are 30 police officers who now know that a majority of their colleagues voted to give no ground. If they were so inclined, these unfortunate flatfoots could choose to believe that their friends on the force valued a raise over their fellow officers’ jobs. That could make for some sore feelings, could it not?

Where’s the Beef
On the whole, the Super Bowl ads were quite disappointing. They struggled so hard to connect with a certain demographic that it was almost exhausting to watch. These ads desire so to shock, amuse and titillate, but in the end mostly flop into a pathetic spot of lost ad revenue.

I realize that they’re geared towards the young and stupid at heart, but with the right ads I might be compelled to spend a bit more of my snack dollar on tortilla-based snack products. Come on, Doritos, sell my on some of your delicious nacho chips want don’t you?

That said, I did like the Google ad. It was sweet and simple. Although as an ad man friend pointed out, why does Google need to advertise?

The Letterman/Oprah/Leno spot was also well played. I don’t remember which of the three shows it was promoting, but it was timely and the punch line was sharp.

I don’t even remember many of the others. Commercial breaks were mostly spent trying to tame the 20 children amassed in the basement of our fine hosts.

Celebrity Endorsed Trivia

Dan — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 19:46:12 +0000

Celebrities work hard to entertain us; the least we can do is buy the stuff they’re shilling.

Here’s a round of trivia based on celebrity endorsements. It’s pretty self-explanatory, including the part about not Google cheating.

(This round of trivia is being brought to you by the good people at the Sierra Nevada Brewing Co., home of the tastiest ales in the world. At least it will be if they send me a t-shirt or a coupon or something for this completely honest and unsolicited pitch.)

Now, on to the trivia!

1 – This shag-topped actress sang a jaunty jingle about chicken and Wessonality.

2 – Bob Harris met Charlotte while in Tokyo shooting a Suntory Whiskey commercial in this movie.

3 – His booming voice reminds us that "This, is CNN."

4 – Nothing came between Brook Shields and this brand of designer jeans.

5 – This venerated thespian insisted that Paul Masson "will sell no wine, before its time."

6 – This actor has been the voice of Lowe’s and the Oppenheimer Fund, and also played a guy named Popeye.

7 – Faith Hill, Tyra Banks, Keri Russell, Christie Brinkley and Ellen DeGeneres have all provided a face to this company.

8 – Bob Hope served as spokesman for Chrysler and this petroleum retailer.

9 – A recent GoDaddy TV spot features this race car driver getting hit on by a comely female police officer.

10 – Wilco’s The Thanks I Get was heard on commercials for this auto manufacturer.

Bonus
He appeared on a billboard advising women to "Get a Mammogram, Man!"

Steroids are just vitamins on steroids

Dan — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 14:51:58 +0000

Nothing makes my mind go numb faster than hearing the words "steroids" and "baseball" in the same sentence. It’s the sports topic that will not die, despite countless attempts to beat it to death. Yet it’s obviously a subject of interest to many and I do find myself holding an opinion on the matter, which is – "Who cares?".

I say this not to voice my indifference, but as a carefully considered conclusion that steroids shouldn’t be banned.

The common refrain is that McGuire and his juicing cohorts are cheaters who gained an unfair advantage. Some are particularly offended on behalf of the players from the pre-steroids era whose fallen records are seen as pure acts of athleticism. This is where the anti-steroid argument loses its way, in my opinion.

The modern player has countless advantages over his predecessors, advantages that have raised his level of play. Advances in nutrition and kinesiology. The use of weight training and conditioning. Corrective surgeries and procedures. Steroids, which do have a legitimate purpose, seem to fit right along with these other scientific and technological aids.

No one would suggest that a pitcher who had his career extended an extra five years thanks to a groundbreaking surgical procedure should have his additional victories asterisked out of the record book.

I know that the use of steroids for performance enhancing purposes is illegal. I assume this is because they’re harmful to one’s body when abused. Yet I would argue that being a professional athlete is harmful to one’s body.

How many players suffer career-ending injuries or leave the game with permanent afflictions? I’m not sure, but I’d say pretty many. I can’t pretend to care so much about them as human beings that I would oppose steroid use on the grounds that users might become infertile if I don’t have an equal concern for pitchers’ rotary cuffs as the result of throwing a ball repeatedly at a high velocity.

Again in my opinion, the advantage McGuire gained by taking steroids isn’t that much different than the advantage some other player gained by being an obsessive health nut. Both required sacrifice in exchange for a benefit. If steroids prove to have a disproportionate downside, there use will diminish on its own.

I’m sure there are logical flaws in my argument and I’m exhibiting a disgraceful lack of ethics. Feel free to counter. After I read your comments I intend to never think of this subject again.

I just wrote in my blog a little bit.

Dan — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 02:51:51 +0000

Lake Superior State University, which sounds made-up but apparently is not, releases an annual list of 15 words or phrases that should be retired from popular use. Some of them I agree with (chillaxin, teachable moment – unless used mockingly), while others seem too practical to discard (app as an abbreviation for application.)

Still it’s a worthy and necessary exercise, ridding our lexicon of annoying and tired language.

For years I’ve dreamed of the day when people would stop telling me to "have a good one." More recently the Sethmeyersian practice of uttering repeated and disbelieving reallys to mock someone’s intent has grown beyond weary. But for 2010 I propose but a single act of banishment.

"I just threw up up in my mouth a little bit" started off as an adroit little phrase, an updated version of the 80s classic, "gag me with a spoon." When confronted with a nauseating person or situation, it was an effective way to voice the metaphoric gastronomical response that was being induced.

What made the phrase unique was its descriptiveness, including the addition of "a little bit." Yet that adverb phrase was also its downfall.

Had, over time, the phrase been shortened to "I just threw up into my mouth" it might have enjoyed a longer shelf life. But the insistence of its practitioners to retain that bit of detail quickly made the phrase seem mimic-y and unoriginal. "Don’t make me puke" sounds clever in comparison.

There are certainly are countless other words and phrases that I wish begone, but I’ll leave it at that and let you suggest others.

Answers: Sportos on Screen

Dan — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 14:28:16 +0000

This round is quite simple. I’ll show you a picture of an actor or actress that was taken during their portrayal of a real-life, famous sports figure. You tell me the name of the sports figure, not the actor or actress.

You should do quite well, but if you Google you’ll go to hell. Really, you will.

As expected, your scores were much improved and you can start having recess again.

M.B. broke the curve with a perfect score, followed by A.C., Russ and M. de la Loyola with elevens. The rest:

Michele – 9

Johann – 8

Josh – 8

Kath – 7

LfS – 4

Nancy – incomplete

1 -

Lou Gehrig – Today – today-t’day-t’day, I consider this one of the most iconic images in all of sports moviedom.

2 –

Jake LaMotta – De Niro so defined this role, I’m not surprised that some didn’t know it was based on a real person.

3 -

Bobby Knight – I wanted to find a picture with him in his checkered blazer, although that might have made it too easy.

4 – The guy in the tie and cardigan.

George "the Gipper" Gipp – I had to throw in a Notre Dame question and Rudy would have been way too easy.

5 –

Wilma Rudolph – Toughest question on the board with four correct answers.

6 -

Howard Cosell – Everyone knew this one. I was torn between this and Turturro as Billy Martin, but didn’t want to make this too Yankee intensive.

7 -

Gale Sayers – As a youth, this is the one movie that a young man could admit crying over and not be ridiculed. Kind of like how Twilight is for those sissy-boys today.

8 - The coach

Herb Brooks – Name recollection proved a bit of a problem with this one. I wanted a hockey question but wasn’t sure if the Mighty Ducks was based on a true story.

9 –

Sholess Joe Jackson – I’ve never seen this movie, but still would have known this one.

10 -

George Steinbrenner – I’m most proud of this question. "Heartbreaker, love-taker, shoe-maker, won’t you cut my shoes for free!"

11 -

Bille Jean King – I remember this movie coming out, but didn’t remember that Holly Hunter was in it. I really wasn’t aware of her until Raising Arizona.

Bonus Question -

Seabiscuit – How could you not recognize that mug? He’s a deadringer.

Turns out there is a Santa and the Tooth Fairy is real. BFS regrets the error.

Dan — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 20:57:54 +0000

First I blew Santa’s cover with this column that sent my daughter into a tailspin of doubt and confusion. Then I let the Tooth Fairy out of the bag with this story* on two dentists. It’s clear that my writing should be kept away from children, even though I pen nary a vulgarity nor do I address subjects of an adult nature. Perhaps some child-like imagination sensitive training is in order.

I was honored to have one of my blog posts linked to the 100 Fun & Informative Blog Posts Every Grammar Geek Should Bookmark list compiled by Online Universities.com. That they saw fit to include it despite the comma splice in the title (why didn’t any of you catch that?) is humbling indeed. I attempted to excuse the error by citing my Eastern European ancestry and the acceptance of comma splices in the Russian language because it sounds better than admitting to be ignorant of that rule in front of a bunch of grammarians.

More trivia to follow. The next round will feature many colorful pictures and no obscure indie rock song lyrics.

*For those who read this story, that young girl who lost her tooth and was presented with a forgery so that her Tooth Fairy wishes could still come true, well, that was my niece. I didn’t realize it until after the article was published and my sister let me know. Pretty small world wouldn’t you say?