Where’s the Beef
On the whole, the Super Bowl ads were quite disappointing. They struggled so hard to connect with a certain demographic that it was almost exhausting to watch. These ads desire so to shock, amuse and titillate, but in the end mostly flop into a pathetic spot of lost ad revenue.

I don’t even remember many of the others. Commercial breaks were mostly spent trying to tame the 20 children amassed in the basement of our fine hosts.

The solution to maritime piracy would seem to be the arming of merchant ships. The method with which pirates board a ship, using hooks and ropes to scale the side, does leave them vulnerable to being picked off or winged. Yet with most solutions that involve fire power, there is a downside, in addition to that of those being shot at.

According to one report I read, some captains are reluctant to have firearms aboard. While acknowledging that they’d come in handy against pirates, they’re concerned about the many days upon a ship when swashbucklers are not a concern.

Life upon a merchant ship can be both stressful and fraught with tedium. Personalities clash and, stuck in close quarters, there’s nowhere to retreat. Apparently, fights between sailors aren’t uncommon and can sometimes get quite violent. As such, access to a gun rack might not be the best idea.

That said, I think there has to be some way to have guns on board for self defense without turning the deck into the OK Corral when some dirty vermin gets caught sneaking an Ace out of his sleeve.

Voguing the Dark Continent

Not that I thought much of Madonna before, but this picture really makes me despise her.

“Hello Edna, darling. I’m going to Africa next week to save a child. No, just one cute one. Listen, since Africa is a continent that is ravaged by wars and genocide, where rogue armies force millions into exile and corrupt generals confiscate foreign aid while their people are besieged by famine, I thought it might be fun to go with a military look. Be a dear and have your people find some designer combat boots and a cute pair of fatigues to go with them. Oh yeah, and see if Giovanni can design me a burkha to wear to my trip to the Middle East next month. Something sheer that shows off my biceps and ass.”

This Should Be Worth Something

I think it’s safe to assume that when someone volunteers to bring the rolls to Easter dinner, their altruism is predicated on the desire not to expend too much culinary capital. In most cases, their efforts will be limited to visiting the bakery of a local grocer, although they might get adventurous and pick up a couple of tubes of crescent rolls and try to figure out how to fire up the Amana.

My wife, on the other hand, takes a rudimentary dinner offering, and, to quote Lugasse, “kicks it up a notch.”

For our Easter feast, Tammy concocted three flavors of homemade rolls: rosemary, flack seed, and garlic with sesame seed. More hearty than flaky, they have a focaccia-like quality that’s quite delectable.  I’m enjoying one right now with my salad, and it occurs to me that they would also make a fine sandwich. That leftover pork waiting at home has just been repurposed.

SHG Expanding Carbon Footprint, Thousands to Be Displaced

News that SHG would be building a new football stadium was met with previously unheard allegations that they recruit football players. Well, that’s not exactly accurate. News that the SHG will be producing a spring musical is also usually met with accusations of football malfeasance.

I’m not naïve to the realities here. There are kids who went through a public elementary school system, sometimes in other towns, who enrolled at SHG primarily to play for a championship-caliber football program. This does present an advantage. But lost in all of cries of woe because public schools can only draw players from within their boundaries is the fact that that isn’t true.

If a former Lanphier basketball star, currently residing in Petersburg, wishes for his son to follow in his footsteps as a Lion, he can arrange that without having to move to Springfield’s northend. The catch is, if I gather correctly, that he’d have to pay out-of-district tuition. Ah, tuition – the same price one must pay to attend SHG.

I realize that not many parents will pay tuition to send their kids to a public school when there’s another they can attend for free (although some will play fast and loose with residency rules to attend a public school of choice.) That some will pay for their kids to attend SHG is a testament to the education that they offer. And at some point, you have to stop punishing a school, through so-called equalizers, for being a good school.

The Shams Rock

I undertook the role of youth soccer coach reluctantly. Victor’s team from last year had disbanded and Tessie expressed an interest in playing as well, so I sent a letter to their classmates’ parents to see if others were interested. In the letter, I volunteered my services to get the team organized and to help where I could, but explained that since my wife works occasionally on Saturdays, I wouldn’t be able to commit to being the coach. I quickly learned that in the realm of youth sports, merely uttering the word coach is akin to signing a binding contract.

Much to my surprise, I’m enjoying myself. Soccer is great because no matter what a kid’s skill level, if they hustle, they can do good things. And while our team, the Shamrocks, is young and inexperienced, they are out there battling hard against teams that look to have forged some birth certificates. It’s quite heartening seeing my young charges giving it their all and I’m sure their efforts are put forth in glory of their beloved coach.

The other two kids are playing this season as well. Maria scored her team’s first goal of the year, the prettiest of her career. Mark played well, but when I suggested that some of the falls he takes are counter-productive and perhaps deliberate, he misinterpreted my concern: “It’s okay. I don’t mind getting dirty.”

Just Like the Monks Used to Do

In this week’s Heartland, I wrote a story on local homebrewers. These men are doing the Lord’s work and deserve our admiration and support. Please send them money.

How Dare They Exploit Our Incompetence

I agree that this whole business with AIG using bail-out money to fund bonuses is despicable. However, the bipartisan outrage from politicians is threatening to make me ill.

First of all, they could and should have seen to it that this wouldn’t happen, then they wouldn’t have had to pretend they didn’t know anything about it.

Second, the remedy they propose to correct their incompetence, a retroactive and punitive tax, reeks of desperation and is possibly unconstitutional.

And then there is this.

The reason the government decided to float these billions to AIG was because they were deemed "too big to fail" and their demise would cause great harm to the economy. Our leaders determined that it is imperative that they prosper. So they respond by taking to the airwaves to scream about how corrupt and morally bankrupt AIG is. Yep, that should guarantee the kind of consumer confidence that a business needs to succeed.

I think Obama eventually grasped this, but many others were more concerned with looking bulldogish than being pragmatic about the whole unfortunate affair.

The Irish Really, Really Like Me (as far as you know)

I forgot to mention that, unless proven otherwise, I proudly served as the Grand Marshal at this year’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Dublin, which is bigger than Killarney, and thus a much bigger honor, if indeed I was the Grand Marshal, which I was, unless my brother says differently.

I’m also fairly certain that I’m a college graduate.

My Favorite Song This Week

Regina Spektor singing That Time. What is it with these chick’s with guitars?

A Tower By Any Other Name, Is Just a Tall Building

Forgive the untimeliness (see item 1, above), but I want to comment on the Sears Tower hubbub.

I can understand when people get upset when a university changes the name of their football stadium from that of a legendary coach to a cellular company, but in the case of the Sears Tower, isn’t it simply a case of one business taking over for another?

Let’s say that Moshe’s Pizza has been operating at the same location for 30 years. Everyone loves Moshe and his Yiddish take on the Italian favorite. But then Moshe and his wife, Traci, decide to retire and get a place in Spaulding. If you buy his building to house your new Segway parts and service center, should you be required to leave Moshe’s name on the canopy just because people are used to it and have treasured memories?

Honor the Curb or Die

Also untimely is this harangue about people’s behavior at the St. Pat’s Parade. Where we were viewing, people were standing almost to the green line that ran down the center of 5th Street, so desperate were they for candy and trinkets. Some even brazenly parked their chairs in the roadway. Every now and again, a flatfoot would come by and tell everyone to move back. They wouldn’t, and he’d walk on, defeated.

If the Springfield Police Department ever hopes to regain my respect, they better break out the water canon and rubber bullets next year.

I’m Sorry Michael

I must conclude that 30 Rock is now funnier than the Office. I probably would have realized this sooner, but I was thinking about how weird it is that we eat birds.

On Pain

Unlike James Dalton, I believe that pain does hurt. But I also believe that it should be proportionate to the injury incurred. So when I slightly bump my elbow on the boys’ bunk beds while putting on a comforter, it should be a fleeting pang, not sting like the dickens for 30 seconds. The pain I endured was totally excessive and obnoxious and unnecessary.

Trivia

Who is this James Dalton who philosophized contradictorily on pain?

Well that’s it for now. I’ll return again, unless WordPress keeps messing with me.

For some, it’s scaling a mountain summit; for others it’s kicking heroine. As for me, I conquered one of my life’s goals by completing a Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle. I’ve come close many times, even completing it once, only to discover an error. But this time, I was perfect. Granted, it was fairly easy for a Sunday puzzle. There was only one word I’d never heard of (Ypres – a city in Belgium), and the theme was pretty straight-forward. But none of this distracts from my feeling of triumph. Does this make me a nerd?

As Sure as the Moss Grows in Killarney

Enjoy the warm weather while you can. Next Saturday is the St. Pat’s Day parade, an event that annually lures  cold fronts down from Canada and sends temperatures plummeting. We always have temps in the 50s and 60s during the week leading up to the parade, only to have them pulled out from under us by the time we take our place on the 5^th Street curb. So predictable is this phenomena that my dad is making a batch of chilli next Saturday, a dish he only makes in chilly weather.

Lights That Flash in the Evening

The weather outside will be inconsequential after the parade, as Justin Townes Earle (Steve’s boy) and Jason Ringenberg take the stage at the Hoogland as part of the Bedrock 66 concert series. You may be familiar with Ringenberg from his Jason and the Scorchers days. I’m less familiar with Earle, but I’ve been listening to songs on his MySpace page and he does a mandolin-accompanied cover of the Replacement’s “I Can’t Hardly Wait,” of which I highly approve.

Speaking of hot shows at the Hoogland, Sarah Borges and the Broken Singles released their first single and two non-album tracks as an EP on iTunes last week. The album will be released later this month. It’s more indie-rockier than previous cuts. Their supporting tour hasn’t been announced yet, but I’ll post when they get near to thee.

A Plea of Redemption/A Call for Justice

Last week I was rightly taken to task by Yellowdog for being part of a team that purchased mulligans* at a trivia contest. I defended myself by stating, correctly mind you, that it simply isn’t possible to win without them if they are offered. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel dirty about it.

Mulligans, even more than vague or inaccurate questions/answers, are threatening the sport that I love. Organizers simply must find another way of raising additional funds without sullying the sanctity of the contest. I may have to resort to the most radical form of protest against social ill currently available to us. That’s right, I’m starting a Facebook group: Citizens For the Purity of Trivia Nights. Join the fight, won’t you.

Krauthammer

While I remain liberal on many social issues, this is why my fiscality tends to be conservativy.**

I Am So Not Unconflicted Over Jennifer Aniston

I’ve not been a Jennifer Aniston fan. Most of this stems from her association with the show, Friends, which I abhorred for its one-note characters, base sexual innuendo and the gross cliche-ing of the word "so." She also ended up on the wrong side of a tiff with Angelina. I am nothing if not loyal to Angelina.

Yet my Aniston aversion has softened as of late. She appeared in two movies that I really like, Office Space and The Good Girl, and although she wasn’t really the reason I like those movies, she did bring something to her roles.

The other reason I’ve come to admire her more is because she is popping up quite frequently in magazines and on Web sites and, quite frankly, she looks amazing. The problem is, that seems to be the entire point of her celebrity at this point.

I don’t recall accolades for any recent performances, but the press is relentless in telling us how incredible she looks. There’s that, and her courage in the face of being perhaps the most celebrated female cuckold of all time.

It’s pretty amazing how her publicist has been able to keep her on the A list and the covers of supermarket tabloids.

Saturday Chore Watch

Hats off to my kids for picking up twigs and pieces of bark from the yard and putting them in a yard waste bag. Then pouring the bag into the wagon. Then dumping the wagon into the yard. Thanks for the effort.***

*For those not familiar with this practice, teams are allowed to purchase a set number of mulligans (usually ten) which are used in lieu of correct answers to win points on difficult questions. As I posted on Facebook: "they’re bullcrap. Imagine facing fourth and long on your on 25 and being able to buy yourself a first down. Or if your worst free-throw shooter gets fouled in the waning seconds of the game and you can decide to just purchase the winning buckets. Who could be proud of that. It’s a g-d travesty. Pure, unadulterated greed and it’s ruining trivia nights across the country."****

**Our previous administration wasn’t good at this either, so offering up their record as a defense for the current is no defense.

***Victor did go on to put in a good day’s work and earned five points towards the 30 needed for a new DS game.

****You know you’re important when you can quote yourself.

I’ve no published articles to promote this week. I’m so sorry for you.

Should the Driver Hang Up So the Driver Can Drive
A study by a few guys at the University of Utah – Salt Lake City, confirms what I’ve always expected:

“When driving conditions and time on task were controlled for, the impairments associated with using a cell phone while driving can be as profound as those associated with driving while drunk.”

I’m guilty of this sometimes myself, but being as not many people care to talk to me, I’m most often a careful and attentive driver.

Get a Mammogram, Man!*
I think I’ve covered this before, but I’d like to get the ladies’ opinions on the local Real Men Wear Pink campaign. You’ve seen the billboards and newspaper ads – notable males from throughout the community, resplendent in pink attire, are posed in a row while looking sternly at the camera. The message is to their lady friends, letting them know that breast cancer is serious business and they had better get themselves checked out. You got it!

Of course anything that increases awareness and gets women to seek the medical care they need is good. Yet the concept of the ad seems condescending to women.

I wonder what a similar ad promoting prostate exams would look like. On second thought, I don’t.

Get a Costume, Dude!
Halloween nears. Soon, young costumed trick-or-treaters will assemble on our porches with bags extended, their intent clear. Some, however, won’t be that young, nor will they be costumed. So how does one respond to a teenager, wearing an Albert Pujols jersey, who expects to be rewarded with candy for being immature enough to still go trick-or-treating?

Laziness Reigns When Racing for Spaces
On Tuesday last, I was stopped in a parking aisle at County Market (Fairhills edition) as the car in front of me slowly pulled into a spot. After I started to proceed again, this car abruptly stopped, reversed itself, and took off up the aisle, requiring me to quickly apply the brakes.

"What," I wondered, "did you leave your grocery list on the kitchen table?"

No, the driver spotted an open spot five spaces up and the chance to avoid walking an extra 20 yards was just to good for him to pass up. Did I mention that it was a mild and sunny day? Did I mention that the driver was young and seemed in good health?

I often decline taking the closest spots to the store under the presumption that I’m saving them for the elderly or the newly maternalled. More likely, I’m just leaving them open for jamokes like this to pounce on.

They’re Still Fighting the Big One
The remnants of war last a long time. Even after most of the survivors have passed on and adversaries have mended fences, the aftermath remains ingrained upon the warring factions’ cultures. And it can be more than a stain on a nation’s psyche, sometimes the killing recurs in real time.

I read an interesting article in Spiegel Online last week about a man who recently retired from his job defusing bombs that lay dormant in German tundra. The allies dropped an estimated 1.9 million tons of bombs during WWII, many of them delay-action bombs, some of which never detonated. Today, they’re commonly discovered during construction projects or by children playing in remote areas. Over time, the detonator apparatuses have grown fragile, but the TNT no less potent. It’s not common for someone to be killed by these leftover explosives, although the de-bomber’s retirement was hastened by the feeling that he had been pressing his luck.

Funniest Joke Name on the Flintstones
Stony Curtis

Funniest Thing About Obama?
Will an Obama presidency kill political satire, or just nueter it for awhile?

From what I’ve observed, our nation’s comedy writers can’t seem to bring themselves to skewer the dude. The writers of the Daily Show put together a piece for Entertainment Weekly that at first glance seemed to take equal shots at both candidates and their running mates, but that really wasn’t the case. Although they did poke fun at Biden, the Obama jabs were really making fun of some of the more ridiculous charges made against him by the ridiculous end of the right. Not that this can’t be funny, as demonstrated by this Onion piece:

Black Guy Asks Nation For Change

March 19, 2008 

CHICAGO—According to witnesses, a loud black man approached a crowd of some 4,000 strangers in downtown Chicago Tuesday and made repeated demands for change.

The entertainment industry certainly had no problem satirizing Clinton, but he made it easy for them. If Obama maintains his rarified aura and doesn’t betray his base, I fear for SNL’s ratings.

And is it safe to say that liberals are genuinely funnier than conservatives, or does it just seem that way? (clarification: I don’t mean that liberals are easier to make of, but that they are better at the writing and performing of comedy.)
 
A Disgraceful Absence of Hooliganism
Soccer season ended on Saturday. Victor had his first goal of the season negated on an offsides call by an official who was mostly ignoring offsides. A true futbol fan would have thrown a whiskey bottle at him. Thinking back, that really would have been the thing to do. Damn my casual attitude towards youth sports.

A-ha for the Literal-Minded
Singing "pipe wrench fight" to the tune of "Take on Me" is funnier than it might seem.

So Long, So What
Well, that’s it for another week, or two weeks, whenever I get around to this fruitless pursuit again. Although if we win the trivia night on Saturday, you can be sure I’ll be back directly to boast.

*A year’s supply of "Pass the Biscuits, BFS" flour to whomever can identify who said this immortal line.**

**What movie inspired this addition to the BFS line of fine products?***

***This question is for entertainment purposes only. No prizes will be awarded.

"You can’t make everybody happy all of the time"

Without looking up, Victor broke the silence and said, "It’s true, daddy, you can’t make everybody happy."

The sentiment isn’t an original one, but it certainly qualifies as a truism. And even though the notion is tinged with cynicism, it’s a lesson that a young kid like Victor needs to know. That he picked up on it already, on his own, speaks well for his ability to deal with what life has in store for him.

The Pipes, the Pipes
Sometime around high school, I made the decision to change my name. I would no longer be Danny, the boy of Irish wonder, but Dan, the mature up-and-comer. A drummer and quiet by nature, I didn’t like being associated with the wise-cracking bassist of the Partridge Family.

My new name caught on fairly well, although family and certain friends from my St. Al’s days continued to call me Danny. It never bothered me when they did, or do.

I bring this up now because today most of the people who know me, or know of me, know me as Dan. That’s why I was quite surprised to get a Google Alert today (yes, it’s slightly egotistical to set up a Google Alert for your own name, I’m not free from vanity) for Danny Naumovich. It was a ZoomInfo page, of which I know nothing about, except that it linked to some of my blog posts and SJ-R columns, where I’m known exclusively as Dan. Not much of a mystery, as these things go, but still I wonder.

Madonna is a shrewd political observer . . . or a dumb chick from Detroit
When ignorant or manipulative folks on the right attempt to link Barack Obama to Islamic terrorism, there’s no shortage of people on the left at the ready to rightly point out the ridiculousness of the comparison. Will they also be willing to point out the ridiculousness of comparing John McCain to Adolph Hitler and Robert Mugabe, as some marginally talented and freakishly-toned pop stars have attempted to do? Or do you talk yourself into finding a hint of truth in the preposterous when it applies to someone you’re obligated-by-ideology to hate?

Where the Action Is
Although I’m officially, and genuinely, undecided, I did want to venture downtown on Saturday for the big happening. I think it’s still fairly safe to call Obama the presumptive next president, so there’s no doubt that history was being made, but I also wanted to witness the spectacle. The problem was that my wife had a catering gig and whatever I decided to do, four kids would be in tow. This presented certain logistical problems in that they couldn’t have cared less who was in town to announce what.

I had my own concerns about bringing them to such an event. What if something happened, real or perceived, that caused the Secret Service to react? And what if the throng, sensing the danger, began to panic? Could I guarantee the safety of four young charges in stampede-like conditions?

Saturday evening, I was sitting on the porch when my neighbor the cop came home. He said that organizers didn’t plan well for the heat and the multitudes and that he spent the day pulling spent people out of the masses into safety. I’m glad that we decided to go to the soon-to-be-even-better water park instead.

Baseball needs a good editor
I know it will never happen, but if they would only chop a month off both the beginning and end of the schedule, baseball just might be tolerable. As it is, it’s like watching a halfway-decent movie that drags on for over three hours. And it plays everyday from spring through fall. Thank heavens football is about to arrive.

“I believed before opening statements and I believe today that (my client) is not guilty.”

Does it mean that the lawyer believes that the prosecution went after the wrong dude? Or that the lawyer believes that the prosecution never had a strong enough case to warrant a conviction?

The quote comes from an article in today’s SJ-R and it struck me because of its equivocalness. The lawyer could have said his client was innocent, if that’s what he really believed. Maybe he’s not sure himself.

The case in question, which you can read about here, concerns Jeff Pelo, a Bloomington police officer recently convicted of raping four women. There was no physical evidence, DNA or hair samples or the like, tying the defendant to the crime scenes or victims. Prosecutors contend that as a 17-year law enforcement veteran, Pelo knew how to scrub a crime scene of evidence. There was, however, eye witness testimony and other circumstantial evidence that was persuasive enough to convince the jury, if not the defense attorney.

I’ve always been curious about the job of criminal defense lawyer. Do they even care if their client did it?

I know that everyone deserves their day in court and a vigorous defense, but it always seems to me that it’s the defense lawyer’s job to just make stuff up. That doesn’t seem to be the best way to arrive at the truth.

If you followed the R. Kelly trial, where he was accused of pedophilia and other sexually deviant acts, you’d have read about how his team of attorneys threw a slew of improbable theories or unlikely defenses against the wall in hopes that one of them would stick. One did. But if Kelly was truly not guilty of the charges brought against him, wouldn’t there have been one angle of defense stronger than the rest – the truth?

After the OJ trial, that proved that sometimes police will frame a guilty man, I started to wonder if in the future, the only way you’d be able to convict a rich man* is by having a video of them committing the crime. Well, they had a video tape of Kelly committing the crime, and he still got away with it.

Given that Kelly had previously reached financial settlements with four other girls or women who accused him of sex crimes, information that was withheld from the jury, I feel pretty confident that he’s a guilty man. But he was acquitted and he’s free to go about making records in which he drops hints about liking young girls.

As for Pelo, he’ll be going away for a long time. And rightly so.

Justice, go figure.

*By rich man, I mean someone who can afford the best that lawyering has to offer.