I was honored to have one of my blog posts linked to the 100 Fun & Informative Blog Posts Every Grammar Geek Should Bookmark list compiled by Online Universities.com. That they saw fit to include it despite the comma splice in the title (why didn’t any of you catch that?) is humbling indeed. I attempted to excuse the error by citing my Eastern European ancestry and the acceptance of comma splices in the Russian language because it sounds better than admitting to be ignorant of that rule in front of a bunch of grammarians.

More trivia to follow. The next round will feature many colorful pictures and no obscure indie rock song lyrics.

*For those who read this story, that young girl who lost her tooth and was presented with a forgery so that her Tooth Fairy wishes could still come true, well, that was my niece. I didn’t realize it until after the article was published and my sister let me know. Pretty small world wouldn’t you say?

My column this month is on practicing etiquette in everyday situations. The proper thing for you to do, gentle reader, after carefully considering my words, is to write a comment congratulating the newspaper for publishing such wisdom and suggest that your life has been made the better because of it and perhaps even offer some sort of monetary tribute to the author. It is, the right thing to do.

The blogs remains the same

The tax-evading Obama cabinet appointees were a big deal to Republican bloggers who probably wouldn’t have cared that much had they been McCain appointees, which, if they had been, Democrat bloggers would have had a field day with, but as it stands, under Obama, they really don’t find it worth mentioning. It’s a relief, really, that despite all of the historic change, the blogosphere remains the same.

Commercial Real Estate Mystery Theatre

Since Damon’s closed (I believe it was after the infamous tornadoes), a restaurant only a half block away has transitioned from LaSorella to the Club House and now Kiku. Yet Damon’s former structure remains vacant. Why would that be?

Is the asking price too much? If so, why?

Is there something about the building’s configuaration that makes it unsuitable for other proprietors?

Or is it, as I suspect, HAUNTED BY SOMETHING SCARY OR OTHERWISE OTHERWORLDLY!?!?!?!?!?

Seriously though, I do wonder why it hasn’t been purchased and refigured or demolished.

I told you they would rock

Since I haven’t been blogging much, I haven’t yet mentioned what a totally rocked-out performance Sarah Borges and the Broken Singles gave at the Hoogland last month. It was great to see them play to a packed room and their performance most definitely surpassed expectations. After the show, I pardoned myself from a 15-year self-exile from the Curve Inn* to hang out with the band for a bit. I can’t wait for their triumphant return after their new album comes out.

I think that’s called stage presence.

The incomparable Binky, the irresistible Tammy, and some homeless guy.

Headline comprehension 101

If you saw the headline, "Tiger Wood’s Wife Has a Son," would you be under the impression that said wife gave birth recently? Would you be under the impression that Tiger was the father?

For some reason, when I read this headline I thought the story was going to be that it was discovered that Mrs. Tiger had a son from a previous coupling. Was I wrong in interpreting this way?

Although, biologically speaking, the women do the "having" when it comes to child birth, when speaking of couples who go cooperatively into the reproduction process, however, it’s common to say that "they had a son" when announcing the blessed event. And since it is Tiger who makes the birth newsworthy, then couldn’t the headline have read: "It’s a boy for Tiger Woods." It would have made clear that Tiger is the father and I doubt anyone would be confused as to who did the actual birthing.

Clearly, it’s a matter of perception and perhaps mine is faulty in this instance. But it isn’t on this one, found on Slate:

"Would the mayor of Portland be out of office if he were’nt gay?"

My initial interpretation was that the mayor was out of office, and discrimination may have played a part in his dismissal. That was wrong.

The mayor is still in office, and the author is suggesting that if the mayor were a heterosexual, he would have been thrown out. (With out getting into a debate of the case, the mayor is accused of having had a sexual relationship with an underage male. The author makes the argument that if a heteorsexual male mayor had a relationship with an underage girl, he would have been dumped immediately.)

Obviously, the headline can be read to convey either meaning. So how could have this been written to avoid confusion?

How about: "Was Portland mayor saved by gayness?"

I think that’s clear.

Gimmee an M Gimmee an A Gimmee an R Gimmee a K

There was apparently a high school cheerleading competition in town this weekend. I know this not because I’m perverted, but because at mass at Little Flower last evening there were rows of warmup-suited girls from Catholic high schools north of I-80. We happened to sit behind one such row. This afforded Mark, our youngest, the opportunity to hit on them.

He started shyly, peaking over the pew, shyly smiling when would one would turn around and notice him. But once communion was over, and he hadn’t made sufficient headway, he became more bold: "Hey girls," he announced, "look at this." When they turned, he held back his jacket to reveal his new St. Patrick’s Day T-shirt**, that, as luck should have it, read: "I’m not lucky. I’m good."

This of course caused much laughter, but one girl must have caught his eye because Mark whispered to me that she was going to go on a date with him. After mass ended, Mark made a point of walking up to the girls’ pew and waved goodbye to his chosen one. As we made are way out of the church, he spotted her again in the vestibule. Stopping behind her, Mark tugged on her jacket and again waved when she turned around. He then proceeded on to give an exhibit of karate moves and break dance spins. I’ve seen him do this before, also when trying to showoff for an older girl. They seem to like it.

They say that the nut doesn’t fall too far from the tree, but in Mark’s case, the nut was swept away by a heavy gale and somehow landed under Matthew Mcconaughey’s tree.

Well, that’s it. I’ll write again in another month or so. Keep answering those trivia questions.

*I wasn’t banned or anything, it was mostly due to good taste.

**It could have been worse, believe me.

You’re hiking or biking through a wooded area when the call of nature strikes. Miles away from a restroom, you decide to venture off the path and seek a secluded spot to tend to matters. You eventually settle on a spot beneath an interstate overpass.

After finishing up, you notice a leather satchel lying in the brush. Curious, you pick it up and discover that it is filled with $100 bills. ONE MILLION DOLLARS WORTH!!!!

You look around, but see no one. You deduce that it was thrown from a passing vehicle and that its holder hasn’t yet returned to retrieve it. You conceal the bag as best you can under your jacket and pedal away, unless you’re hiking in which case you shuffle off quickly, perhaps even trotting.

When you make it back to your vehicle, you’re comfortable that no one, not even your fellow recreationalists, saw you make with the loot. You drive home, checking for Anton Chigurh’s truck in the rearview mirror, but you’re not being tailed.

In the safety of your basement you examine the money. It isn’t bundled as you’d expect if it were the bounty of a bank heist. You begin to check serial numbers, but there is no discernible pattern. It must be drug money. Chigurh’s image again flashes in your mind and you frantically search for a homing device. Nothing but cold, hard cash.

You’re fairly certain that the satchel’s owner won’t be able to track you down  and you’re not feeling particularly ethical, so you decide to keep the money for yourself. So then, how do you go about spending it to better your life?

I’m fairly certain that there are checks in place where if you deposited $1 million in cash in your bank account, the IRS and other authorities would be notified of this irregularity. Similar warning bells may go off if you attempt to make any large purchases with cash, although drug dealers seem to get their hands on nice cars.

I suppose if I were in this position, I’d be very careful not to draw attention to my ill-gotten booty. Maybe I’d start paying cash at the grocery store on occasion and letting  my checking account gradually build up. Then I’d start transferring some of the excess funds to savings or investment accounts, careful to not increase my net worth too dramatically.

Other than that, I’d probably go on more vacations where the cash could be spent inconspicuously. I’d buy more stuff (music, electronics, exercise equipment, etc.), but wouldn’t risk any major purchases like a house or boat.

So what would you do? Is my way too conservative? Would you attempt to launder the money abroad? Or is the whole situation just too risky for you to contemplate?

Lithuania, our homeland,
Land of heroes!
Let your sons draw their strength
From our past experience

Let your children always follow
Only roads of virtue,
May your own, mankind’s well-being
Be the goals they work for

May the sun above our land
Banish darkening clouds around
Light and truth all along
Guide our steps forever

May the love of Lithuania
Brightly burn in our hearts.
For the sake this land
Let unity blossom

Once again, in the mother tongue:

Lietuva, Tėvyne mūsų,
Tu didvyrių žeme,
Iš praeities Tavo sūnūs
Te stiprybę semia.

Tegul Tavo vaikai eina
Vien takais dorybės,
Tegul dirba Tavo naudai
Ir žmonių gėrybei.

Tegul saulė Lietuvoj
Tamsumas prašalina,
Ir šviesa, ir tiesa
Mūs žingsnius telydi.

Tegul meilė Lietuvos
Dega mūsų širdyse,
Vardan tos Lietuvos
Vienybė težydi!

After reading about such Wii titles as Endless Ocean and Brain Age, I’ve decided to soften my anti-gaming system stance, at least to the point where I’ll consider bringing one into my home. Three of my four children have birthdays at the end of August so I can justify a high-end purchase. And thanks to George W., I’m sufficiently stimulated.

My question to you gamers is this: what system provides the most virtual bang for the buck. I’m not interested in shoot-em-up games and favor those that have an educational component. Is Wii the way to go?

LP to MP3: I can listen to Green On Red on my iPod!

If anybody gets one of these for Father’s Day, I’d like to borrow it some weekend.

Microwavable Beer: Possibly worse than Bud?

If anyone gets one of these for Father’s Day and invites me over some weekend, I’ll bring my own, thanks anyway.

I Like a Radio Song

Not only am I a beer snob, I’m also a tremendous music snob. But every now and again I’ll fall under the sway of a corporate radio hit.

That I really dig Snow Patrol’s Shut Your Eyes is even more remarkable when you consider that they are the same band responsible for the totally unremarkable Chasing Cars.

The vocal production on Shut Your Eyes has a kind of trippy-folky sixties vibe that reminds me of Stephen Stills. I’m not really a big Stephen Stills fan, but that sound really works with this song.

Victor digs it too and we’ll be adding it to his Shaker MP3 player any day now.

Die, Gas Pumper!*

Charles Krauthammer’s column in today’s SJ-R should be required reading for everyone who thinks that gas tax holidays, government regulation or oil company capitulation is the solution to controlling our energy situation. I may blog more about this later, taking particular joy in spreading the news of the dreaded SUV’s demise.

*A BFS Gas Card** to the first person who identifies the movie this line came from.

**Valid U.S. driver’s license required at time of purchase***.

***Redeemable**** at all participating BFS Petroleum retailers.

****Offer not valid.

You toss a coin 40 times and it comes up heads every time. What is the chance of it coming up heads the 41st time?

State you answer and I’ll tell you if you think like a Dr. John, or if you’re more of the Fat Tony type.

 PACO WINS

The solution (of sorts) from the article:

Dr John gives the answer drummed into the heads of every statistic student: 50/50. Fat Tony shakes his head and says the chances are no more than 1%. “You are either full of crap,” he says, “or a pure sucker to buy that 50% business. The coin gotta be loaded.” The chances of a coin coming up heads 41 times are so small as to be effectively impossible in this universe. It is far, far more likely that somebody is cheating. Fat Tony wins. Dr John is the sucker.

It’s not that Dr. John is wrong, the probability of any random toss is 50/50, it’s just that Taleb believes that economists and investors and the like put too much faith in models and statistical rules while ignoring the possibility of an unexpected event, which given enough time, will invariably occur. In this instance, the unexpected event was foul play on the part of the coin tosser.

*I’m not dropping names, just citing a source.

Any thoughts?

That’s all I got. It’s fairly busy on the freelance front right now. I’d appreciate it if you could all go into the comment section and turn this mundane observation into a fiery debate on gun control or something. BFS seems more legitimate when there’s daily activity.