Insipid Use of the Hands

By Dan on Dec 2, 2007 in Sports, nonsense

My dad pointed something out earlier this fall, and now I can’t help but notice it.


John Madden


Every football broadcaster, at both the collegiate and professional level, make the same hand gestures when they are on camera during the game, as illustrated here by John Madden. They hold their hands apart and perpendicular to the ground, as if holding a vase, or perhaps an urn. Then they occasionally give the urn a light shake, as you might if you wanted to lightly mix the contents. Once you become conscious of this, you can’t help but view these gestures as artificial. It’s as if they were all programmed by the Dale Carnegie School for Articulate Ex-Jocks Who Don’t Know What to Do With Their Hands.

I realize that you don’t want their hands just dangling down in front of them gorilla-like, but is this the only hand gesture available? If I were the sports president for one of the networks, I’d encourage my broadcasters to come up with a gimmick, sort of like how Bob Dole holds that pencil in the hand of his bum arm. So if you’re a football broadcaster, here are some suggestions for you:

  1. Squeeze one of those hand gripper exercisers like Cousin Dale did in Vacation.
  2. Hold a martini glass up to your lips as if you are going to take a sip as soon as you are done talking, but never actually take a drink.
  3. Gently stroke a pussy cat.
  4. Rub both temples as if conjuring up deep insight.
  5. Massage the play-by-play guy’s shoulders.
  6. Whittle.

6 Comment(s)

  1. I think a good hand gesture for football announcers would be for them to do a diabolical palm-over-knuckles cycle. You know, like the trademark of Simon Barr Sinister.

    M.B. | Dec 2, 2007 | Reply

  2. That’s the ticket M.B. Diabolical gestures always play well on TV.

    Dan | Dec 2, 2007 | Reply

  3. Dan

    I have become burdened with the inability to NOT watch the hand gestures of any public speaker. I think it started with Clinton (the male variety) and his understated thumbs-up fist, where his thumb isn’t fully extended, but rather rests on the fist. Not long ago I read/heard that he was coached on that gesture because of his tendency to point out at his audience, which was deemed off-putting.

    I’ll now await some kind of unrelated comment about Monica Lewinsky and what a crappy president he was…..

    nancy | Dec 3, 2007 | Reply

  4. Dan,

    Madden needs a catch phrase aside from ‘BOOM!’ to accompany his hand gestures. He could take notes from the folks on ESPN with their various catchphrases such as ‘BOOYAH!’, ‘En fuego!’, and ‘Back, Back, Back!’, or my personal favorite for anyone known to watch American Idol – ‘Gone like Sanjaya!’ (Sanjaya was the really annoying kid with the feauhawk haircut with about 10 ponytails, if you’ll recall). Maybe we should start up a poll to find a catch phrase for John Madden to use.

    Brian | Dec 3, 2007 | Reply

  5. While we’re at it, you’d think someone could get them a chair for god sake.

    Laura | Dec 3, 2007 | Reply

  6. If these aren’t jazz hands, could they be called hot adult-contemporary hands? Soothing, but occasionally shaken for emphasis.

    Unpainted Huffhines | Dec 3, 2007 | Reply

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