As some of you know, my wife ran the Chicago Marathon last year. After hearing her tell of what an incredible experience it was and watching her bask, proudly and deservingly, in her accomplishment for weeks thereafter, I decided that I needed some of that.  So I signed on to run the Lincoln Memorial Half Marathon.

Although race day is still eleven days out, I’m already reaping the rewards of training and I’ve set several personal bests for distance. I feel confident that if my legs don’t fracture into dust from the constant pounding, that I will cross the finish line, eventually.

It occurred to me, however, that the big day should be about more than just ME achieving a personal goal and then ME attending to the glory at the finish line. It should also be about ME making some money. So with that in mind, I’m introducing a sponsorship program, similar to what NASCAR offers, that will allow local businesses, and bloggers, to advertise on my person as I wind my way through the streets of Springfield.

Let me say that I realize it may seem crass of me to attempt to profit from an amateur athletic competition.

Anyway, for a negotiated fee, I will wear your company logo or slogan on my running apparel or, for a higher negotiated fee, tattooed on an area of my body that will be exposed during the run. I’m currently without tattoos, so your logo will be displayed prominently, not lost among strings of barb wire and untranslatable Chinese dictums.

Just think, an estimated 1,000 runners will see your logo as one-by-one they pass me on the course (and maybe an EMT or two as they hover over me administering whatever life saving procedure I may require.) Throngs of angry motorists will also see your logo when they’re made to stop along side streets leading to the still-closed race course that should have been opened hours earlier.

Although in most sports sponsorship arrangements the more well-known and successful competitors command the more lucrative endorsements, you’ll actually get a better deal from a neophyte such as myself.  Unlike more seasoned runners who will be out and off the course in under 90 minutes, I’ll still be on the streets well over the two-hour mark, increasing the amount  of time that your ad will be exposed to the public.

Lest I seem like a cheap shill, willing to sell out for a quick buck, let me assure you that  I won’t come cheap. And I’ve set some ground rules to ensure that my pursuit remains pure and the integrity of this event is not compromised.

Anything that will impede my running, endanger my health or in any way interfere with my or my fellow runners’ ultimate goal of finishing the race – things such as sandwich boards, mascot-type costumes, or mobile pyrotechnic displays – will be billed at a premium rate. If I’m going to make a mockery of myself, I expect to be compensated accordingly.

In addition to the promotional decals, there are other advertising opportunities available to you.

I doubt that Disney will be interested, so the rights are still available for me to say something at the finish line along the lines of “I’m going to D’Arcy’s” or “I’m going to read Disarranging Mine” or even, “I’m going to the fire fighter’s trivia night”, which I will be, but I’m only going to say it if they pay me.

You know, one of the great things about running a half marathon is that for years after, you can don the commemorative race shirt and announce to the world that, yes, I pushed myself to the limits of human endurance and came out on top. If you’d like to share in that wonderful feeling, just be the highest bidder for my shirt which will be available on EBay immediately after the race.